Excellent article from the BEEB ..

If you're into cricket at all and need a good hearty Monday laugh, you must read this article on South African bowler Andre Nel, written by Tom Fordyce


Cricket's craziest man

L I F E . . . . .

The things we have to put up with .....

Please heed this warning !!

DO YOU EAT CADBURY CHOCOLATE?

We were raised on Cadbury chocolate as kids and even into adulthood. I will never eat it again. I hope from now on you will throw yours away whenever you are given any . It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.

This is what happens when you eat Cadbury chocolate!


THIS IS A MEDICAL WARNING!!

It could happen to you, your family and friends!!

CADBURY Chocolate can cause SMALL FEET !!

Warn everyone!!!

Someone has just sent this through to me, and if you need a really good laugh, this should do the trick.

WARNING: PUT DOWN YOUR COFFEE AND MAKE SURE YOU HAVE HAD A WEE BEFORE YOU READ THIS ..... OR YOU JUST MIGHT REGRET IT :) This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal: (Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald) ... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenteritis, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

At least someone appreciates me!

Now here's a picture of someone who I can guarantee appreciates me - even if it is to make sure he gets his 3 square meals a day!

:)


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Lucky lucky me!

Bought these beautiful flowers today as I absolutely love having flowers at home, and we are so so lucky as we can buy export quality roses off the street vendors for about one dollar fifty US for a dozen.

I splashed out and bought 4 bunches and my house smells gorgeous and there are roses everywhere you turn!


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What more could you ask for?

This beautiful rose is right outside outside my bedroom window.

The sun is shining bright and the weather is gorgeous ......

And, and, and, and, ...... It's Friday!

Yey!

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I'm not sure I'm cut out for 'meme's' ..

Looking through what Beth over at "Living a Quotable Life" has tagged me for, (that seemed like a smashing idea yesterday), I've decided is not really for me.

She asks for your to write down the following;
8 things for which you have a passion,
8 things you'd like to do before you die,
8 things you say a lot,
8 books you have read recently,
8 movies you've seen 8 times,
and finally 8 people who should do this meme.

I've been writing down my answers to these and I realise it's not me. I don't like this idea of 8 things - perhaps I have 88 or perhaps just the one, but to me it feels like if I write it down, that's it, it's final ...

I think it was the "8 things to do before you die" that got me. I felt if I has listed these down here, if I ever do achieve all 8 (and I fully intend to), that would give me bog all more to look forward to and I might as well launch myself off the fridge freezer and be done with it, and I don't much like that thought at the moment.

I think I'll just keep all the 8's to myself but I do hope that any 8 of you out there who fancies doing it, please go ahead and let me know.

I'm sure it's much more interesting when someone else does it anyhow.

AND INSTEAD I SHALL LEAVE YOU WITH A COUPLE OF PICTURES OF THE SUNRISE ON MY MORNING DRIVE TO DROP MY SON AT SCHOOL .....

Stunning isn't it ..... ?
- and there's my little bit of buoyancy to keep me afloat today
- Hope it does the same for you. :)

I've had a slight change of tack ...

Have been feeling a little down recently for absolutely NO reason at all I may add, as if you look at all the little bits around me, things really look like they're going quite swimmingly! And yet still I see a big picture of gloom.

My doc (who's a complete sweetie - and although she does pretend to be awfully serious and doctor like sometimes - is a good friend), says it's called 'depression'. How I see it, is that it's all a load of shite that puts up black clouds throughout fabulous days and refuses point blank to let you see through the haze and enjoy the sunshine.

I don't think it's really explainable if you haven't been down this long dark road, and it so goes against the grain this feeling sorry for yourself crap. I keep shouting;
"For Goodness Sake Woman, Get a Grip!!",
But my head doesn't respond.

Beth from "Living a Quotable Life" has tagged me for a meme, and although I've never done one before, I shall revamp this blog in its honour and I shall take a leaf out of the advice of another of my fellow bloggers, Expatmum and her comment which I have decided is an excellent plan;

" ..what about thinking of something really nice once a day, or taking a great photo like you just have? It may not totally lift your spirits but it can't hurt. Personally, I listen to great music and it helps."

Like she says - "it can't hurt", and so I'm off on a slight tangent with this blog from now on and it shall be known as "The Chick's Lifejacket".


Definition of the word 'lifejacket';
"an article of protective clothing that is designed to keep the wearer's head floating above the surface of the water."

Sounds perfect to me ....

For the Ladies .... the men'll never agree !!

Damn that Victoria Secret ...

Always look on the bright side ....

This made me smile and I'm dedicating it to my mate "Belle" over at Family in Freefall because I think she's having quite a crap time of it all just now and deserves a laugh.

Enjoy!

Ooooh .... Perverts!!

It's a quiet day ....

So There !

This'll make you smile ....

Kenyan goat does IKEA

Kenya's version of window shopping in IKEA !

Dog For Sale ....

Free to good home.

Excellent guard dog.

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.'

"Fresh Chicken 4 Sell" !!

I just spotted this advert on a notice board in one of our malls here in Nairobi this morning as I was picking up my morning dose of double cappuccino and it made me chuckle ......

And I'd just like to reiterate how jolly FRESH these chickens obviously are
- as it seems they are actually still very much alive !!!

(Think it's a bit of do-it-yourself killing and plucking on this one.
Mmmmm - think I'd rather have the spinach quiche myself!~)

Nee Naw Nee Naw Nee Naw ......

Good Luck with the trip,
Let's just hope you'll make it ......

Woman will love this, not sure about the men though!!!!

SOMEONE JUST SENT THIS THROUGH TO ME AND I THOUGHT IT MIGHT LIGHTEN UP SOMEONE ELSE'S MONDAY BESIDES MINE AS I THOUGHT IT EXCELLENT! SORRY THERE'S NO PICTURES ATTACHED :-)


This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company
Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets
rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editor's
choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and
down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered
from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about
the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense
mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely
realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's
testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he
thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me
to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
were these
words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your
tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to
slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Let's hope that's all he needs just now !

"Honey, I'm just popping to the shops for a packet of milk!"

Report from the press this morning;

"The Zimbabwe currency tumbled to a record $25 Million Zimbabwe Dollars for a single US dollar yesterday, as Zimbabwe battles with the world's highest inflation, pegged at over 100,000 %"

Play Fair !!

SPEEDING

I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING YESTERDAY.

I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL
THE POLICE OFFICER LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT

It's NOT funny

I had to post this article here because when I read the headline I burst out laughing and yet, it's not funny at all, and I need to check if I am losing my marbles ..........

Please have a read and see if you can honestly read this article WITHOUT laughing out loud ?!?!

Runaway lawnmower kills Japanese Buddhist monk

25 Feb 2008 11:25:37 GMT

Source: Reuters

LONDON, Feb 25 (Reuters) - A Buddhist monk from Japan was killed after slipping and falling under the blades of his runaway tractor lawnmower, an inquest into his death has found. The Reverend Seiji Handa, 50, was cutting the grass around his peace pagoda in the English city of Milton Keynes when the accident occurred last August. He got out of the tractor to inspect something but the vehicle, which was pulling a multi-bladed grass cutting machine, slipped its handbrake. The coroner's office in Milton Keynes, northwest of London, said it had recorded a verdict of accidental death. Handa, from Niigata in Japan, came to Britain in 1978, when he began building a pagoda to promote peace. He had tended the pagoda with the help of nuns ever since. His main job was to trim the 12 acres (5 hectares) of lawns around the monument.
(Reporting by Luke Baker; Editing by Charles Dick)

(Obviously should have got some lessons from Owen Wilson!)

Hillary Clinton's campaign

I'll be printing these stickers at a small fee for all those interested !!

Damn !

Spot Check !

Special Offer !

I hear there is a special offer going on these new “hand’s free” kits.

If you want one, you’d better let me know soonest as I hear they’re selling out fast!

Perhaps this is why I got no Valentines cards !

I NEED YOUR HELP!

I'm trying to find out which Asda sells this mirror!

Maisy's First Steps in Gynaecology

"A lift-the-flaps book" indeed.

A definite "must have" on the book list for every household !

Hows this for subtle?

Do you think someone might be trying to tell me something here?
Surely you don't fancy a bit of a walk do you boy?

It's definitely dirt.

No really Honey, it is DIRT.
Best you wash the bus at your earliest convenience!

GSU time out . . .

GSU soldiers take a break whilst they wait for the next bout of violence to kick off.

Who brought the cat?

WHO BROUGHT THE CAT ?

A friend sent me this today and I had coffee spray out my nose I laughed so hard !

Thought I should share !!

When I grow up .

"When I grow up I will be a PAJERO"


Followed this little car on the way to work this morning.
I wish I could summon up as much ambition!!

And I thought I was feeding the birds !

So much for the birds.
I can't believe I've actually been feeding this little blighters.
Cheeky Rats !

Yet another essential Health Warning !

I'm full of great advice this week!

Don't forget to wear your Pyjamas !

NB: Government Health Warning !

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING
DO NOT SWALLOW BUBBLE-GUM!

This is a warning to all of you out there about to rush out to the gym on a Monday morning - Obviously you shouldn't do it and should stay in bed for the extra hour instead, so that the rest of us won't feel guilty!

'Peaceful Elections' .... ?

This sign is up in the middle of one of our main roundabouts on Uhuru Highway in the centre of Nairobi, and has been there since before Christmas.

Do you think someone knew something was up already?

- otherwise why was the government offering us "Peaceful Elections" wishes back then? Surely we he had no inkling that our elections would be anything other than peaceful at the time?

I'm on a toilet roll ....

I'm on a toilet roll here as you can see ........... ER SSSSORRY BAD PUN, but hey it is Friday !

Anyway as you can see from above photo, if you're thinking of doing up your bathroom I found a fab place where you can buy yourself a toilet. May have had previous owners of course and could even perhaps have fallen off the back of passing lorry, but no matter, a toilet all the same!

If anyone's interested in purchasing said item, please send an email to

itsbloodyamazingwhatyoucanbuy@thesideoftheroad.kenya

and i'll be sure that someone gets back to you soonest with their full catalogue !

You'll be amazed what gets nicked in Nairobi!

This is the cistern cover from one of the loos in one of our shops here in Nairobi. We have had three of these ceramic covers nicked can you believe, so now have come up with this smashing 'bolt your cistern cover on' design because I am absolutely fed up replacing them. It's a bit of a nightmare for our plumber but hey, he'll get over it!

Was just thinking - do you think i should patent this design and sell the idea worldwide and make myself damn rich and famous - or is this issue of rushing off with the toilet cover stuck up your jumper just peculiar to us?

(We did originally try an alarm that detected movement if the cover was lifted up, but we found this didn't work as we kept getting false alarms when people lifted the lid to wash their hands in the cistern, although please note we DO have a sink with soap and a hot air dryer, so not quite sure why people will insist on washing their hands in the cistern, but there you go!)

The 4 liquid stages of life

As you can see, most of us are left with just the one stage, so enjoy...

Don't Pee Here !!

I found this sign pinned to a tree outside the Mbagathi District Hospital near Kibera Slums.
How i understand it is if you would like to pee to the left, or to the right, or even perhaps behind the tree, that is probably absolutely fine but whatever you decide ...

DO NOT PEE ON THIS TREE !!

I have temporarily shifted!

I have moved all my Mzungu Chick on the Move posts to http://lostwhitekenyan.blogspot.com temporarily whilst we have a situation going on here so that i can keep Kenyans news updated as i come across it whilst on the move.

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Meanwhile, see you across the road.

Poised for rally

Just come through town and there's groups of riot police and GSU but not a lot else as yet.


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Nairobi in crisis

Right now as all of you around the world must know. Our country is in crisis.



However we are making good use of the landlord's facilities seeing as we are housebound.



This is my exact view as we speak.



It could be worse!



Happy New Year!





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